I Am What I Am (and that's all I am)

Friday, November 29, 2002   Song playing in my head when I woke up: "Pizza Rocket" by James Kochalka Superstar ################### For those who celebrate Thanksgiving, Happy (belated) Turkey Day. We've been out of town for part of the week and entertaining family for the rest. Jane, get me off of this crazy thing... ################### In my dreams last night, I found myself in the presence of a person with a body that was distinctively female and a face that was distinctively male. ################### Today, on The Price Is Right, I was amused to see a brief sponsor ad that consisted of the audio for a Tums spot and video for Alka-Seltzer. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/29/2002 07:55:00 PM Sunday, November 24, 2002   Song playing in my head when I woke up: "Copenhagen" by Robert Earl Keen ################### I've neglected this blog for the past few days because Alan was in town and for most of the time we were engaging in a masochistic movie marathon. More on that later. Yesterday we met up with Laura and went to the semi-finals screening of the Austin 48-Hour Film competition since she worked with a crew whose film had made it this far. It was a heck of a lot of fun. The basic concept of this competition is to create a film within 48 hours. Scant moments before the clock starts ticking, the teams choose their genre out of a hat and are given the other conditions that must be met; in this case: (1) a stuffed animal must be used, (2) there must be a character named "Les Ottoman, model", and (3) the line "I see something I don't like" must be in the dialogue. The genre Laura's team was given was 'film noir', with which they fashioned a right nice little film (Shades of the Past). I consider their film within the top four of those shown, but they didn't win anything, so what do I know. They did a good job, though. ################### Below is a rundown of the videos we rented from Vulcan Video in Austin. Most of them fall into the category of "I'm glad we watched it", whether it was actually any good or not. William Shatner: Songs and Stories is a bootleg compilation of Shatner appearances, most of which highlight his special brand of musical entertainment. There's some really awful stuff on this tape, but I have to admit: his infamous rendition of "Rocket Man" is pretty inspired. Star Wars: The Phantom Edit is a very unofficial alternate version that rocks. The major differences: (1) potentially-offensive alien voices are now garbled (made to sound like an alien language) and subtitles are provided, (2) Jar-Jar Binks' annoying voice is also garbled and his dialogue was rewritten and (3) much of the extraneous comic relief (Jar-Jar) is gone. Is it an improvement? Yes. Without a doubt, the new edit is superior to the theatrical version. Jar-Jar is now an interesting character whose participation actually makes sense. It doesn't make it the best movie I've ever seen (nothing could really do that), but it's a whole lot better. If the three differences I mentioned earlier were what really bugged you about this movie, then I recommend The Phantom Edit highly. The Star Wars Holiday Special is something I hadn't seen since it aired on television its one and only time in 1978 when I was nine years old. Alan and I both remembered very little about it apart from the Boba Fett cartoon that fueled our young Star Wars-possessed imaginations at the time. It's been rumored that George Lucas would like to see every copy of this thing destroyed (his name is nowhere to be found in the credits) and now I know why: it's so very awful. Carrie Fisher (as Princess Leia) sings. Art Carney co-stars. Harvey Korman appears for comic relief as at least two characters. Bea Arthur apparently runs a cantina. And sings. Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford all look like they have stage make-up on: eyeliner, rosy cheeks, the whole bit. Jefferson Starship and Diahann Carroll sing. Freaky. All of this oddness makes a little more sense when you consider that it's basically a variety show (popular then) that happens to feature sci-fi characters and a running plot. Still, it's bad. But I'm glad I saw it again. The Girl Next Door is a documentary about porn star Stacy Valentine. It's sad and a little disturbing. It's more or less what you might imagine it to be. The thing about it that sticks in my brain is that they wouldn't (couldn't?) show any penetration (some of the footage is her at work), but they really went to town on footage of her extensive plastic surgery. Gross, gross, gross. Let My Puppets Come is, well, a puppet porno comedy musical made by the guy who made Deep Throat. You've got Robin Bougie of Cinema Sewer to thank for my hearing about this one. It must be seen to be believed. Corny jokes, nearly-all-puppet cast, cameo by Al Goldstein (editor of Screw), one money shot, musical numbers (a couple of them funny), bestiality, one transexual, commercial spoofs and the fourth wall is broken (for example, when they needed more "actors" for the porn film the characters were making, they simply sewed more puppets!). I have no idea who the audience for this was supposed to be, but I'm sure glad I've seen it. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/24/2002 06:43:00 PM Thursday, November 21, 2002   Song playing in my head when I woke up: "Jolene" by Cake ################### Yesterday I ate lunch with Laura and Alan. We ate outside because it was such a nice day, but bird excrement eventually had to be cleaned out of hair. Perhaps it's a metaphor. ################### We recently watched the movie Dungeons and Dragons and I think it’s quite possible that it’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen. It’s at least the most contrived and hackneyed. Elements of Star Wars (all four movies thus far), the Indiana Jones series and every bad adventure flick you’ve ever seen. Also, in a cast that includes Jeremy Irons and Thora Birch, I find it amusing that the only person who delivered his lines with authority – as the only character who was even remotely interesting – was Richard O’Brien. You know, the guy who played Riff Raff in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Man oh man, only rent this stinker if you want to laugh at it. I can’t believe it got a theatrical release... posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/21/2002 12:52:00 PM Monday, November 18, 2002   I dreamed I had once had a thing with cartoonist Danny Hellman. I think he left me because I'd shaved my head. The saddest part is that TV's Bob Barker ridiculed me about all of this. In my dream, I "remembered" all of this because I re-read a letter I'd had printed in one of Dave Tosh's zines. In real life, I don't know if he ever even printed letters in any of his zines. ################### I recently got an e-mail from Amy about how Attorney General John Ashcroft spent $8000 to cover up the fomerly-exposed breast of the Spirit of Justice statue in the Department of Justice’s Hall of Justice. Un-fucking-believable. The Offensive Nipple strikes again. ################### Quote of the Day “I’ll save ‘er, ya pop-eyed freak!” - Bluto to Popeye in the Fleischer cartoon A Dream Walking posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/18/2002 08:06:00 PM Sunday, November 17, 2002   It was mighty cold last night, down around freezing. So it's a good thing we wrapped up the outside pipes yesterday morning. Next step: beef up the weather-proofing around doors and windows. I think that it was so cold and uncomfortable was probably why I had such odd dreams last night, such as: (1) An oriental woman (I say "oriental" because she was of the stereotypical Dragon Lady sort) was showing me the website for her house of ill repute. The site wasn't working properly, so she gave me the street address to write down: "212... East... Fredericksburg Street." (I live in a town called Fredericksburg) I woke up right after this and was a little shocked – until I remembered that there isn't a "Fredericksburg St." in town. (There is, however, one in San Antonio) (2) I found myself with a lot of people around me, sort of paying attention to me and putting on. At some point, I began to realize that something wasn't quite right. It turned out that they were all performers. It seems I was involved in some kind of live performance somehow related to the Mr. Show DVD (I guess it was a "bonus feature"?). They held a big ceremony to introduce everybody. The first group of performers was some sort of circus troupe. One guy was some sort of daredevil who rode a motorcycle through fire. Another was a woman who could launch a large order of McDonald's fries from their container straight into their target with deadly precision (in this case, the "target" was between two bleacher seats). There were other circus performers, but I can't remember them. The lights came up and introductions began for the apparently-lesser performers. Even though everybody had been clapping for the circus troupe, there was no applause for these other folks (announced individually) and I had the feeling that it was somehow my fault. There was some sort of interruption and Ed Foo walked over to me (although it didn't look like Ed). He leaned in very close and was asking me if I was going to "make it this weekend". Uncharacteristically, he was kissing me all the while. All I could really say was, "Say hello to Sonna for me." (3) I was in some kind of tourist-y shop and found a neat-looking manga (Japanese comic). As I inspected it more closely I could see that it was just an American-made rip-off. It was printed on cool paper stock, though. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/17/2002 02:52:00 PM Friday, November 15, 2002   Well, the temp job that was supposed to be two weeks or so turned out to be four days. Who needs money? ################### Last night I dreamed I was at some kind of zoo-like area. I was looking through a large plexiglas window at some giant, shaggy bears with white and gray fur. They were off in the distance, but they suddenly turned and saw me and started haulin' ass in my direction. They were running so fast that they both just slammed into the plexiglas. It scared the crap out of me. I turned around to get the heck out of there only to find that I was in the containment area for about ten other bears (brown this time). ################### Flashback Post from my journal Saturday, June 8, 2002 Alan and I drove to Austin where we met Laura, a mutual friend, and hung out with her all day. It was lotsa fun and there’s lotsa stuff to see in Austin, even in the relatively small area we stayed in. Places we check out included: • ToyJoy - a really cool toy store à la the magic shop in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure • Sound Exchange - happening record store with a sizeable zine library in the back. I dropped off a stack of zines and bought a Daniel Johnston tape. • Several videostores, including I Love Video, Vulcan Video and Waterloo, all of which have amazing selections of indie films and genuinely oddball stuff. • Oat Willie’s - cool head shop that sells underground comix and other – ahem – stuff. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/15/2002 09:44:00 PM Thursday, November 14, 2002   Last June, I wrote the following in my journal: "I’m becoming more interested lately in what I’d call “poetry”. I’m sure not everyone would agree that it is poetry, but what I’m talking about is song lyrics. I’m intrigued by rhymes that have something to say or are otherwise interesting or clever. My problem is that whenever I try to write, all that comes out are dirty limericks. My other problem, I suspect, is that what really appeals to me is the combination of lyrics and music. So, I’m not sure I’d ever be satisfied with any serious verse I wrote. Oh, well. There’s always dirty limericks." Since then, I've released a mini-zine containing a handful of dirty poems. They're pretty silly, but they amuse me. I'm still having trouble writing serious verse, though. ################### I dreamed last night that I got into a conversation with some women about which male soap opera stars are the hunkiest. My vote was for Tony Geary, but only if he had a goatee. ################### "That is fucked up." That's Annette's response to the new Disney cartoon, Treasure Planet, and I'd have to concur. It looks like a horrible mess – which will undoubtedly rake in a buttload of cash. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/14/2002 12:11:00 PM Tuesday, November 12, 2002   I dreamed last night that some woman was showing me a pair of conjoined calves (only they were the size of baby goats). They were joined at the neck. So, no heads. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/12/2002 08:36:00 PM Sunday, November 10, 2002   We spent four hours today at an Urgent Care clinic. Add that to the three-hour round trip (it's in Austin) and you can see how our day was spent. Fun, fun, fun. If I'd had any idea it would have taken so long, I would've brought along plenty of reading material. Argh! I've gotta tell you, Urgent Care (well, any doctor's waiting room, for that matter) is not a fun place to spend your day. People all around you are sick, children are rambunctious and on the TV is something you'd never choose to watch if such a choice were yours to make. Today it was football. But that's hardly the worst of it. The real problem with football being on is the possibility that football Fans are going to be present. Yes, "Fans" with a capital "F". There was a guy there who was actually cursing at the TV and yelling instructions to the players on the field. On the TV. In a doctor's waiting room. Did I mention that there were sick people there? Annette said she found out at some point that one of the patients waiting was there because of a migraine headache. That person must have been quite pleased to have Joe Football hanging around. I swear, I just knew he was going to pull a cooler out from under his seat and retrieve a six-pack. ################### Speaking of reading material, I'm now in the middle of the new issue of Davida Gypsy Breier's Xerography Debt, a reviewzine that I heartily recommend. ################### Amy said she'd call today and she didn't, so I thought I'd use my own little arena for free expression to call her out. Hi, Amy! Remember when you agreed to a boot to the ass if you didn't call on Sunday? Tell Jonah to warm up his kickin' boot and send us pictures. We love you, but we're going to need to see those pictures. Love hurts. ################### Flashback Post from my journal Wednesday, May 29, 2002 Song playing in my head when I woke up: “Tonight Is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel” by Barenaked Ladies I had a dream last night about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was in the future and she was fat. I think she was working in a casino. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/10/2002 11:32:00 PM Thursday, November 07, 2002   Last night I dreamed I was in a Star Wars movie, running around shooting at stormtroopers with an embarrassingly ineffective laser gun. All you armchair psychologists can just keep your theories to yourselves. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/07/2002 01:45:00 PM Wednesday, November 06, 2002   The sun has returned and things seem brighter all around. My mood and energy level are really affected by the weather outside. That's one of the reasons I enjoyed living in San Diego so much; it's always sunny and warm! I despise winter because I don't feel as happy and because I don't like being cold. It's just November, though, so I guess I'd better buckle up. But, hey, the sun is shining and I can hear birds again. I've not really got anything to complain about at the moment. ################### I found out recently that even the Texas Hill Country has its own Bikini Team. Remarkable. I wonder how I can get mine? Does it actually have to be a town or region? Ricko’s Bikini Team. I like the sound of that. Apply within! ################### Flashback Post from my journal Saturday, May 25, 2002 As I write this, there’s a Cardinal hopping around in the fallen leaves outside my window. I heard on the news today that a Taiwanese plane crashed and killed over 200 people and a train crash in Mozambique killed another 200. This is where travel technology has gotten us. ################### Another Flashback Post from my journal Sunday, May 26, 2002 We drove out to San Antonio today to visit with a couple of Annette’s great-aunts. Boy, did they have some stories to tell! I found out a lot of history that pertains to the house we’re living in. For example, a baby was born right in our front room. They also told us how, during World War I, any kids caught speaking German were punished. The fact that Fredericksburg was settled by Germans made it difficult for families that hadn’t stressed learning English. I can’t even imagine. I didn’t get a chance to ask, but I’ve wondered if the people in this area had any troubles during WWII, as Japanese-Americans did. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/06/2002 12:33:00 PM Tuesday, November 05, 2002   Well, I finally got another temp job, so hooray for money, I guess. It starts tomorrow and is only going to last a couple of weeks, so it shouldn't interfere with the holidays, which is fine by me. I've worked at this place before and it's one of those companies that employs temps (of all people) to process really important paperwork. This very common strategy has always baffled me somewhat, considering that the temps are, well, temps and the paperwork always includes sensitive documents. A one-day job I had a couple of years ago was processing time cards for an insurance company's payroll department. They hired temps for two days out of every month for this specific purpose. I always wondered how many problems they had with their checks and how the employees would feel if they knew their hours were being input by temps. ################### In other news, I'm happy to report that November 10-16 is the Ninth Annual Pink Week, a holiday that, according to literature I received in the mail, is celebrated internationally. They stress that you shouldn't mistake Pink Week as being associated with anything other than the color pink. You should celebrate pink for pink's sake. If you don't like pink they also suggest that you can celebrate Pink Week by not enjoying pink. Something for everybody! To get in on the fun, check out PinkWeek.org or write Pink Week / PO Box 2329 / Sacramento, CA / 95812-2329. ################### Flashback Post from my journal Sunday, May 19, 2002 We went out to Ladybird Johnson Park and walked around the trails. Saw lots of lizards, butterflies and some poison oak (labeled even). After that, we drove out to Enchanted Rock just to take a look. It's a huge 'natural area' around a gigantic dome-shaped rock with an elevation of 1500 feet or something like that. We didn't actually get out of the car, but the place is highly recommended by Alan Rankin, so we'll definitely go back. After we got home, I realized I was scratching my leg and I looked down and saw a big irritated red spot on my thigh. "Well, great," I thought, remembering the poison oak. I took a Benadryl just in case, but it turned out to be nothing. The Benadryl, however, knocked me for a loop. I thought for sure it wouldn't affect me that way, but within an hour, I was headed for the bed. It's an awful feeling when you can't stay awake, but you're also not really tired enough to go to sleep. Bleah. Tonight we found our first scorpion in the house. Crap. We figured it was inevitable since we've been hearing people around town talk about 'em, but we still hoped. Well, here's hoping we don't get stung. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/05/2002 08:31:00 PM Monday, November 04, 2002   Flashback Post from my journal Monday, March 25, 2002 I dreamed last night that I was with Jennifer Aniston as she was about to have a medical procedure done. I don't know if the procedure was necessary or cosmetic, but it essentially involved lopping the front of her breast(s?) off somewhere behind the nipple. The doctor ("Joey" from Friends) came out, handed her a piece of paper and said it was the hospital's recommendation. On the paper was a series of simple illustrations that followed the process. [If my scanner was working, I'd link to the drawing I made when I woke up. Curses!] Where would Jennifer Aniston be without her nipples? posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/04/2002 08:53:00 PM Sunday, November 03, 2002   Song playing in my head when I woke up: none, but I dreamed I sang a verse of They Might Be Giants' "Nothing's Gonna Change My Clothes" with someone who may or may not have been Marilyn Manson. ################### Today I'm sending out a few e-mails to announce this here blog. So, what do you think? Any tips or features you'd suggest adding? ################### Hey, kids! It's another Flashback Post from my journal Wednesday, March 6, 2002 I just got back from the copy shop with the first issue of I Am What I Am and I've only got one thing to say: If I have to listen one more time to somebody telling me my camera-ready, halftoned originals (300 dpi) had to be run "in halftone mode because there are photos", I'm going to shoot them. The fact that they know what "halftone mode" is but can't recognize an actual halftone absolutely mystifies me. It can't be much more obvious than 300 dpi, can it? My point, of course, is that copy shop employees should know this basic bit of info. For you non-copy-shop-employees who don't know, a halftone is a photograph that's been broken down into dots (like pics in the newspaper). The very point of a halftone is so that it reproduces easily and well in black and white. If you run a halftoned photo in "halftone mode" on a copier, it'll come out looking like crap. Hey, it's the Zinester Tip of the Day! posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/03/2002 01:29:00 PM Saturday, November 02, 2002   [ A Poem Just for You, My Special Friend ] While cleaning out my navel I found some things I'd lost: Half a bacon sandwich, A tube of pink lip gloss, My boxing gloves, an old toothbrush, A long-forgotten book, Some shoes I borrowed from a friend, Some things I think I'll cook, A roller skate, an old doorknob A dirty magazine, Many things I thought were lost And some I'd never seen I thought I'd go a tad bit deeper Further in my gut Now my pants are custom-made 'Cause my hand sticks out my butt posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/02/2002 09:50:00 PM   It's raining. Again. I'm really sick of rain. During the middle of the summer we were frighteningly far behind on expected rainfall. Then it came a gully-washer. We've had some sunny days, but the rain never stays gone long. And now we're something like thirteen inches over the expected rainfall amount. I'm fucking sick of it. And it's cold! Boo-hoo! This weather outside is perfect, though, for a rant. So here goes: You know what irritates me? "Everything?" I hear you say. Well, never mind that. What's irritating me at the moment is my presence not being acknowledged. Specifically, I'm thinking of when I'm in another person's vicinity (standing in line, walking by them, etc.) and they turn around to see who I am, see me, and turn back around as if nothing's transpired. This pisses me off. They go to the trouble of seeing who the person is, find it's nobody they want to speak to, and act accordingly. Truth is, I don't care if they speak to me. But how about a simple facial gesture of some sort? A smile, for instance. Something that says "hello," rather than "Oh, it's you." I hate it when people do that. ################### Last night I dreamed I shared a shower with Pamela Anderson and some guy. She was naked but, naturally, the scenario evolved so that I was the only one sans clothes. One of these days I'm going to learn how to control my dreams. At least then I can dream about somebody a little more appealing than Pamela Anderson. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/02/2002 07:57:00 PM   Song in my head when I woke up this morning: "False Start" by James Kochalka Superstar posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/02/2002 06:27:00 PM Friday, November 01, 2002   Flashback Post from my journal Saturday, February 23, 2002 Happy Birthday to me! Annette cooked me breakfast and not long after I could be heard exclaiming: "Ah, this is the life; big glass of Dr. Pepper in front of me, Blazing Saddles on the tv, and a hand in my pants that's not my own. Yes, sir, this is the life!" And thus began my 2002 Birthday Extravagapalooza. While I was getting ready, I leaned out the bathroom doorway and said "When do I get to open my present?" Annette looks at me and answers, "As soon as you find them." Turns out, they'd been sitting on the table and I'd walked right by 'em. I should pay more attention… So I opened 'em and was quite pleased to receive a cool They Might Be Giants t-shirt and The Simpsons 1st season DVD set. Woo-hoo! Does she know me or what? We went to San Diego Comics and I bought comic boxes, a Bobby London Popeye collection and a couple of quarter-box items. Flashback Post from my journal Sunday, February 24, 2002 "Ricko, it's your Birthday Extravagapalooza - where will you go from here?" "I'm going to Disneyland!" Yeah, Annette surprised me with a trip to Disneyland today. We'd both been to Disneyworld in Orlando (we liked Epcot), but hadn't been to the original Magic Kingdom and we'd been hoping we could check it out before we moved out of state. Our first impression was that it was smaller than we'd imagined. This seemed especially so when we saw the castle, the park's centerpiece that's always made to look huge in pictures and on television. Speaking of the castle, we found out that you can walk through the middle of it and, whilst there, peruse their selection of ready-for-purchase Magic Kingdom trinkets. I think volumes are spoken about the Disney empire by the mere fact that the very "magical" symbol of the park is simply an oversized gift shop. Besides that, there weren't even any crocodiles in the moat. Very disappointing. One of the things I can say we were pleasantly surprised by was the customer service. It was actually pretty darn good (as was food in two different restaurants) and if you squint your eyes and ignore the crass commercialism, you can almost believe that it is the Happiest Place on Earth. Almost. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/01/2002 06:04:00 PM   Does anybody remember that, once upon a time, record cover illustrators were often credited on the backs of albums? I used to find it most convenient when I was curious about the artist, but unwilling to shell out the bucks. Why don't they do that anymore? Now you have to open the CD booklet and thumb through until you find the page with the tiniest print; it'll be somewhere in there. posted by Rick Bradford E-Mail Me | 11/01/2002 05:58:00 PM		archives links Ricko's [Old] Web Hovel Poopsheet E-mail Ricko